Teh Adventures of Vaati & Zelda
by fireflydrake
Summary: Ah, it's summer, and romance is in the Hylian air! ...'Course, so are some other weird things, such as sockpuppet loving mad scientists, Ganon's retarded brother Dingledorf, a Linkmolesting ostrich, a Zant who wants plastic surgery, and enraged cucoos...


Dingledorf, Ganon's less-then intelligent younger brother, was walking in a woods, dark green with summer foliage, thinking about Barbies, when he saw a small, purple-cloaked kid with a funny hat. AND THEN HE SAW IT. The violet-haired guys hair... was sparkly... so shiny... so soft-looking... Dingledorf squealed delightedly and charged towards the unfortunate wizard.  
Vaati was about to yell angrily at the world again when a huge green man tackled him. "WHAT THE PICORI?!" Vaati hollered as the Gerudo screamed in a high-pitched girly voice and rubbed the Minish's hair. "Goddesses, what are you doing?!" The sorcerer tried to pull away while raising himself up to his full intimidating height of 4'7. "I am the great sorcerer Vaa-AHHHH!"  
"OMG, I'm gonna put you with da other pretty-haired girl I caughted, yes I is!"  
"I'm not a girl! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Vaati angsted as Dingle skipped merrily towards home.

-In teh Gerudo Desert-

The disgruntled, purple-cloaked wizard was chucked in a room full of brushes, combs, shampoo, and other hair-related items. Another ticked looking mage, wearing all black, sat across from him. The two prisoners scowled at each other. The emo-looking one appeared to be about Vaati's age of 15, and had long black hair pulled into a ponytail.  
"Who are you?"  
"...Soren."  
"I'm Vaati. Since we might be here for a while, I'll allow you to kiss my feet now, and we can skip the formalities. You may address me as master, and-"  
"Your hat looks stupid."  
"WHAT?! This from the guy wearing a dress!"  
"Robes…" Soren growled warningly.  
"DRESS!"  
Dingledorf beamed at his two beautiful female guests. They were sooo cute together! They were playing with each other! How nice!  
...Really, Vaati and Soren were trying to strangle each other... Oh well.  
Eventually, Vaati escaped and ran off to conquer the world. Little did he know that destiny had romance, rather than conquest, planned for his future…  
-The Rubble of Hyrule Castle-  
Suddenly Zelda screamed. "GANON! YOU KILLED GANON! NUUUZ! NOW THE TATTOO ON MY ASS IS OF A DEAD PERSON!"  
"Wow, Zelda, slow reaction." Link muttered.  
Zelda uselessly tried doing mouth-to-mouth with the shredded Ganon. Then she stood up, her eyes misty in a romantically tragic way. "Goodbye, cruel world. I will not surrender to thy foul wishes and forever have the inken likeness of my dead lover traced upon my bum." She said softly, seriously, and then turned and sprinted towards Dodongo Cavern to throw herself in the magma. Unfortunately for her, she was stopped by a bearded man and his huge boat, which had all the monsters of Hyrule in it in pairs. He stared at her wildly. "A flood's a comin'! We'll all be chibified pixel people, and YOU, my dear, will be a sexy pirate who falls in love with a purple-clad sorcerer! Now get on the boat!" He laughed wildly as rain began to fall. Zelda's eyes widened. Yes, this was her destiny! VAATI WAS HER DESTINY! She ran on to the boat. Link ran over and begged to know what he would look like. The bearded man frowned. "You will be a chibi, and many people will laugh and say you look ridiculous cel-shaded. Few will buy your game. Your sister will be abducted by a large bird. Ganon will return in a sexy bathrobe-like piece of clothing with two blades and attempt to smite you. Any MORE stupid questions?"  
"Duh... will there be hot chicks?" The old man cracked Link over the head and chucked him on the ark, and it started to float away.  
Somewhere nearby, Vaati was strolling along, muttering about domination of Hyrule, when he suddenly froze.  
A vision swept before him... a blonde girl... with a red kerchief... and a sexy rear... The vision was over in a moment, and he shook his head to clear it. And then there was flooding all over Hyrule.

This did not, however, affect anyone of note. A screaming Dingledorf clung to the log he and a rather distraught Vaati werefloating on. Needless to say, he was NOT enjoying the scenery-floating cows, screaming monsters, and the Zoras yelling "OUR DAY HAS COME!" and playing hot rock 'n' roll music on their fishy guitars. When they finally landed on an island, they were instantly swarmed by Minish and tied to the ground. "KILL ALL HUMANS!" Someone screamed. "Duh… Isn't that a videogame?" Dingle asked, confused. He was abruptly slapped upside the head for his human foolishness. "I'M A MINISH TOO! GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME, SHRIMPS!" Vaati roared.  
And then, of course, something just had to happen to destroy the Minish. And it did: a two-inch high tidal wave. Vaati escaped to another island-and then he saw HER. Zelda was angsting about her dad being an ugly piece of driftwood as he inched closer. And then she saw him. Somewhere in the distance, Link was cured of lycanthropy. Which made him happy, until he realized he could no longer turn into a puppy. There goes his chances of getting a girlfriend. Link cried until a girl who looked like a bird landed on his head and pecked the living daylights out of him. "My name is Medli, omgz, there's a psycho dragon, rawr, you gotta stop it, man, there's a big mother worm biting his rump!" A certain romantically inclined young cherub took aim at Vaati and Zelda with a heart-tipped arrow.  
Cupid's arrow, however, much to the cherub's dismay, hit a palm tree. Cupid said some words one would not normally associate with flying diapered babies. Without Cupid's aid, Vaati was screwed. He ran towards the pirate. "I... I think I love you!" he said, drooling. Zelda/Tetra gave him a condescending look that actually shriveled him. "Puh-leaz. I am the pirate princess, and only the man of my dreams, Vaati-kun, can be my lover." She sighed dreamily.  
"But...but I AM Vaati!"  
"No WAY! My hero would NOT be a midget with an ugly hat!"  
Cupid this time enlisted the aid of none other than Innes, to make sure there was no miss. And the arrow did hit its mark. ...A little too well.  
"AHHH MY ASSSSS! IT BURNSSS!" Vaati hopped around like a rabbit, howling in pain. Cupid and Innes high-fived before hauling ass out of there. Vaati slammed into Zelda, knocking her down. "This looks like a good place to get romantic!" Vaati said, attempting to smooch his lover. Zelda hissed and bit his arm. "AHHH RABID PIRATE!" ...So they grudgingly returned and applied another arrow to Zelda.  
The Gohma fell off and into the ocean. Problem solved! Well, sort of. Tethys, who had recently become a Gerudo, was sneaking up on Link from one side while Ganon, in new PJ-like apparel, snuck up from the other. Link, listening to 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman,' 'This One's For the Girls,' and other masculine songs on his Ipod was completely oblivious to their presence.  
He was dead. Doomed. Nothing to really say... Except, possibly...  
"FANGIRL ATTTTTTACK!"  
Tons of angry fangirls mobbed Ganon and Tethys. Meanwhile, the ocean shrunk. "What the batmobile?" Link exclaimed. A Japanese man walked over and said something that translated to-"You look gay as chibi. Fans demand realism. You be werewolf again. Go find Midna. No cookies for you." Link winced. "But she's always hiding up my tunic! It's kinda creepy, you know."  
"Then wear pants, foo'!"  
And thus did Twilight Princess ensue. Link danced, because you could no longer count how many pixels he was made of. Then he wet himself when he saw how realistic the monsters were.  
"Let's make out!" Vaati squealed, jumping up and down. Zelda sighed, in a romantically tragic kind of way.  
"I would, but I signed some contracts, see?" She held up two pieces of paper. One was the no making out until married pledge they make you sign in elementary school when you have NO CLUE what it means. The other stated that Zelda could only be a part of Wind Waker if she kept to E-rated material. Vaati scoffed and ripped up the first pledge. "And we're in TP now, which is rated T, which equals PG-13, so you're fine!"  
"TP? Does that stand for toilet paper?"  
"D'OH!"  
"Vaati-san, if you really love me, then you must do three impossible tasks… It's kind of a tradition. I want you to raise Link's IQ to positive 5, discover what brand of underwear those gorons wear, and get me a father who isn't a vehicle."  
"YOU DON'T LOVE MEEE!" Zelda wailed as Vaati said he couldn't do what she asked. "No, muffin, I love you!" Vaati cried. Cupid tried to reshoot them with arrows, but Pit came and shot them first... with a superscope. Innes smiled sadistically. Ah, love. Ah, yes. Zelda and Vaati 'lovingly' clobbered Pit, who was a girly-looking pretty boy... of course, so was Vaati...  
Then Zelda forgot about Pit and smacked Vaati over the head with a petrified wombat, and he ran crying to hide behind some cute Ruto prince, who was tackled by Medli, thus revealing Vaati's position. At that moment, however, both teenagers felt a sudden stab of pain. "What the hell?" Vaati muttered, confused, staring at the tranquilizer dart embedded in his arm. Then he collapsed on the floor, knocked out. A mysterious, cackling shadow appeared over the two unconscious teens...  
Zant suddenly realized Midna wasn't wearing ANY CLOTHES AS AN IMP, and started taking pictures of the woman of his desires.  
While all this chaos was going on, Young Link was not spared being involved in the stupidity…  
Old Man Crazy Scientist by the Lake cackled insanely at Young Link, who was shoved into an empty fish tank. "A RAAARE SPECIMEN!" He proclaimed proudly, putting a sign up next to the tank that said 'Heinyius stupidius.' "Have some fish food, my little pet! Mmm!" The scientist poured a half-galleon of goldfish flakes over Link, his bristly white moustache dancing in delight. Then the phone rang. Grumbling, the eccentric old man picked it up.  
"Hello?"  
"YOSHI!"  
"What the hell?! Is that the codename for some kind of Japanese take over?!"  
"YUM!"  
"AHHHH! THE JAPANESE ARE COMING!"

-?-

Vaati awoke groggily and stared around. He was lying on a bed, and Zelda was next to him, still fast asleep. There was no door out of the small room, but one of the walls was missing-it opened up to a large room full of scientific equipment, a huge fish tank with a large, pissed looking guppy of epic proportions floating in it, and various other funny, weird labby-things, like lava lamps and mysterious glowing objects of doom (tm). Shrugging, Vaati started to leave, but then smacked into something. "What the-?" A huge sheet of Plexiglas was separating this room from the other, and he hadn't noticed the see-through material. "Oookay..." Then an evil, giggling, happy-looking hunchbacked old man with wild white hair and a moustache teetered over… Old Man Crazy Scientist by Hyrule Lake. He waved his cane in the air excitedly and spoke to the sock puppet he was wearing. "THIS IS IT, FLUFFY! THE CROWNING MOMENT OF BIOLOGICAL ACHIEVEMENT! WITHIN MOMENTS, WE WILL WITNESS AN AMAZING AND HIGHLY EROTIC MATING RITUAL BETWEEN A MINISH SORCEROR AND A BLOND HYLIAN! NEEHEEHEE! THE ONLY THING IN MY MEMORY THAT COULD MATCH THIS EPIC SCENE IS THE ENIGMATIC MIGRATORY FLIGHT OF THE NON-FLYING EMU!" He hugged his sock puppet lovingly. "I love you, too, Fluffy! You've always been there to support me... I couldn't have come this far without you!" Vaati blinked. "What the hell?"

"Mating ritual between a who and a what?" Said Zelda, who had apparently woken up and crept to Vaati's side, quite stealthily. The old scientist, who lived outside of Hyrule lake, cackled madly and pointed at them. "A mating between a you and a him! I say, Fluffy, this might turn me on, and I do some craaazy things when that happens..." The elderly chap then began to make out with his sock puppet, which bore an uncanny resemblance to Paris Hilton...

"Well, this is... interesting." Vaati muttered, watching the senile romance with interest.

"...Shall we get out of here before someone tries to stick us in bed together? I intend to remain a virgin until at least fifteen," Zelda said, rather moodily. Vaati jotted down a note to buy a 2-year calendar as soon as possible. "Yes, that sounds good." With magic, Vaati razed the Plexiglas into tiny pieces. The two then proceeded to stroll out, and the old man took advantage of the empty bed to have happy time with his sock puppet. Then Vaati came to a halt in front of a large tank full of gooey, rounded creatures. "Oooh... jellyfish."

"They can sting, you know," Zelda growled. "Now can we get moving? I'm already sick of this place." Vaati didn't respond, but stood transfixed by the rubbery pink blobs. "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be MY SQUISHY!" Vaati squealed, hugging the tank. A large sign next to the tank said 'Boy-Attracting Jellyfish.' Go figure. At that moment, the old man and his Paris Hilton puppet charged over. "ATTACK! DON'T LET MY RARE SPECIMENS ESCAAAPE!" And all the jellyfish threw themselves out of the tank and rained down upon Zelda and Vaati...

Ah, yes, this summer was going to be an interesting one for Hyrule…


End file.
